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The Anti-Man: My craigslist personal is wholly plagiarized from the recurring themes of countless other ads
I’m going to try something new: a direct approach. This strategy is drastically dissimilar to my subtle approach of attempted telepathy.
In the overall picture (matter, evolution, bureaucracy, and LOLcats), I am a highly attractive guy. This means, of course, that my dog never ceases to long for my affection and my cat refuses to spend a single night absent from slumbering beside me. Clearly, my attraction supersedes species, and I have no doubt you will be equally attracted to me as the domesticated animals that depend on me for grooming, water, and food. Though you may be doubtful, I assure you I clean up nicely (I have even been known to use soap and shampoo, but never conditioner).
I’m 5 foot to 6 foot-ish. I’m fit, in good shape, Height-Weight Proportionate, healthy, and running out of synonyms. I have an average build, my muscles, ligaments, and tendons are in perfect working order, I have flowing auburn hair with almond highlights, chestnut eyes, and a perfect halogen-based tan. Clearly I’m not average; unless the average US male is Caucasian, 5’10”, has brown eyes, and has brown hair. If those are true, then I am indeed average; but don’t feel dismayed, for I am uniquely average.
First of all, I like being active. I know that many people spend their afternoons on a sofa with blissfully-plush cushions, which welcome these people from exhausting days of work by offering comfort and relaxation. In my opinion, this is a preposterous waste of my unending teenage vitality, so I spend my time after work running, hiking, stretching, swimming, reading, fishing, cooking, camping, surfing, dancing, and navigating the lesser known paths in our beautiful state.
In this personal ad, which is my first post on craigslist, I feel compelled to be more honest than I am with my therapist, who I am only seeing because I want to improve myself, not because I have commitment issues, and so I feel compelled to state:
I run out of work as fast as I can, so I do not get stuck working over-time; I hike the stairs in the parking garage downtown to get to my humorously small car, which I have to stretch into at a geometrically awkward position not all that different from the Salutation to the Sun pose; I swim through the hordes at the nearest Fred Meyer as I vainly attempt to decide whether I want smoked hickory turkey or hickory smoked turkey; I read a weekly coupon book looking for items on discount that I wouldn’t actually buy if not for said coupons; I fish around the cheap DVDs and CDs bin looking for something that will serve as entertainment for my typically boring evenings; I cook up illogical excuses for my roommate in order to justify watching Heroes instead of Monday Night Football; I camped outside the movie theater when the new Harry Potter came out; I surf between ESPN, NBC, Comedy Central, and VH1; I dance across the living room emulating an impressive run by LaDainian Tomlinson before stubbing my toe on the ottoman and crashing onto the sofa dejected and in pain; and, I navigate my way through residential back roads at unsafe speeds in my obsessive avoidance of a traffic-stalled highway.
Secondly, I have a perfectly vague idea of what I want in a partner, so naturally I am open to having differences as well as similarities. However, as a helpful guide I have included a list of traits I value that includes, but is not limited to, the following:
• is real (because my relationship with Jessica Alba has been a little one-sided)
• is one-of-a-kind (please see my aforementioned uniquely average)
• is close in age to me (within 20 years older or younger please)
• is attractive (preferential treatment will be given to hot women with low self-esteem)
• shares my vision (but not my prescription glasses)
• has goals / ambitions (yet does not want to change)
• exercises to stay healthy (but doesn’t routinely exercise, which is the trademark of a good plan and a constant infringement on catching Grey’s Anatomy)
• enjoys food (but only eats food because the body needs caloric energy)
• is nice (but not so nice that you would describe yourself as nice)
• is sweet (like a yam, I mean a sweet potato, no, wait … what’s the difference again?)
• is smart (like a whip, a cookie … or an electrical engineer)
• enjoys being outside (of the bedroom, not the house)
• enjoys long walks on the beach (even though you live 100 miles from the ocean)
• likes to laugh (at little kids playing sports)
• likes to smile (or can’t stop because you’ve had too many Botox injections)
• likes music (and will sing the lyrics to It’s The End of the World As We Know It with me)
• is kind and gentle (in an aggressive and firm manner)
• is understanding / accepting (about the things I understand / accept)
• has a purpose in life (but no kids, no career, and no education)
• shares thoughts and opinions of the world (but does not talk about fashion, politics, American Idol, yoga, art, dieting, alternative medicine, karaoke, coffee, make-up, taboos, TV shows, movie stars, religion, bad music, social inequalities, astrology, or fashion)
• is liberal-minded (ie: doesn’t vote, doesn’t know the Oregon Senators or House Representatives, and doesn’t like Republicans)
• is a little old-fashioned (would go for a horse-drawn carriage ride down I-26)
• wants a partner in crime (to help plan a bank robbery to get back the $3 you just got gypped from the ATM)
• loves to see movies (but hates crowded and expensive movie theaters)
• is laid-back (but works full-time and is committed to moving up the business ladder)
• likes to drink (and will forgive my inevitable drunken transgressions)
• enjoys sports (like hunting)
• wants to be held (while we are watching the Red Sox kick the crap out of the Yankees in the post-season)
• wants to cuddle (in the fetal position after the Red Sox invariably lose to the Yankees, which will send fans into an irrecoverable shame spiral until next Spring)
• wants to spice up life (hmm … this salad could use a little … steak)
• longs for Mr. Right (but secretly will accept Mr. Okay, and by Mr. Okay I mean: Mr. Totally-Wrong-For-Me)
• hates the bar /club scene (but goes to bars / clubs to drink and hang out)
• is hopelessly romantic (but doesn’t know what men want)
• is a lady in public (but not pretentious) and a tiger in private (but not slutty)
• is drug free (but addicted to caffeine)
• likes to cook (will you make me a smoked hickory turkey sandwich or a hickory smoked turkey sandwich?)
• does not want a meaningless relationship (but will accept casual and superficial)
• believes in altruism (but doesn’t do volunteer work that would encroach on our time together enjoying Mocha Lattes at Starbucks)
• is down-to-earth (but would prefer to be a Venusian or Neptunian)
• is looking for something special (like a-local-restaurant-that-has-great-food-and-environment special, not here-come-aliens-to-probe-me special, but possibly I-still-watch-SNL-although-its-lost-its-edge special)
• is open-minded (…)
• believes in chemistry (if our electrovalent bonds don’t hold us together, what will? (see: attraction of opposites))
• and lastly, is moderately optimistic.
Thirdly, I would like to commend you for your literary comprehension skills. To say I am stunned or overly appreciative of your thorough reading would imply my personal ad, which is a genuine and sincere attempt to position myself in a light that accents my desire and my positive traits, has been so arduous to read that it would be a remarkable and stunning feat for someone to completely read it. Therefore, I am stunned and highly appreciative you have read this far. Don’t stop, please, continue ….
Lastly, I am mature for my age, and I am often confused for a 40-something. I expect the same in my counterpart, which is of course to say that I humbly expect you to be smarter and wiser than you are. Or, to be viewed as smarter and wiser than you are.
If you are feeling lucky, like me at this moment, perhaps you should email me, so that we might join together and focus our feelings of good fortune on a PowerBall ticket.
To conclude, please feel free to write me. Though I must admit, after reading this far I feel you are obligated to respond to me considering the time spent reading my satirical diatribe. I have little doubt that your evening or work day, which is so exciting that you have the time to read a multi-page personal, is comparable to my own. If you feel neither free or obligated to respond, good luck with your search through the other personal ads, which will be marred by the stunning illiteracy of college graduates, a woeful disregard for common sense, and numerous unintentionally humorous hypocrisies.
Seventhly, I will gladly trade Myspace URLs with anyone, as the best metric I have to gauge compatibility is not a date together or your well-composed response to my ad, but your Myspace page. Facebook is even better!
If nothing in this ad has spurred your interest or you fail to align with my short, abstract list of character traits, yet for some reason you are inclined to email me, here are some questions I would be interested getting your answer to:
What is an applicable instance of Einstein’s theory of relativity?
Is the oval shaped orbit of Pluto a better reason for its declassification as a planet than its binary system relationship with its “moon”, Pharon?
Is Benjamin Bernanke doing a better job than Alan Greenspan?
What went wrong with Star Trek: Enterprise?
Will Eli Manning ever do a commercial without his brother Peyton?
Is reparations or affirmative action needed to any degree to account for previous and continual inequalities within our country?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
~Mr. Totally-Wrong-For-Me
PS – What I am really looking for is someone to compete with me and my brother on The World Series of Pop Culture in 2008. Go team Trendy Medical Drama!
PSS – Alternative WSoPC Name: The Kings of Too Much Information
PSSS – I don’t know Latin.
PSIV – Bonus points will be awarded to an excessive use of ellipses, question marks, or exclamation points in your response.
PCVII – Super-double-bonus points will go to anyone who responds in l33t.
PDX – Normal points will be awarded to those able to explain to me how I should award points.
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